Aug 26, 2023

The Story Behind Love's Tarot Journal and the Table of Contents

Throughout my adult life, many people have told me that I should write my story.

I have absolutely experienced a complex and multifaceted life. It's likely I will never write my whole story since going back through all my memories puts me in a funk. However, I feel like it is important for my readers to understand that I do indeed understand.

Love's Tarot Journal collage — Love's Tarot Journal

Loves Tarot Journal is a blog series that you can access here on this website, Tarot Wyzdom with Love. This blog series is my response to the many requests for writing my story. I am blending my love of the tarot, crystals, and herbs together with my story of trauma and healing. There is a separate blog for each Tarot card. Each journal entry has a crystal and an herb associated with it. Each of the Love's Tarot Journal articles is finished with an entry of my story.

The associations of each tarot card, crystal and herb are associated with aspects of my trauma, torture, suffering, and my journey to healing and finding peace. You will learn about what I endured and eventually how I moved through it. Within the cards, I journal about the obstacles and challenges that I have endured along the way. Additionally, life has given me some very beautiful, very joyful, and extremely unique experiences and those are definitely depicted in the pages of Love's Tarot Journal entries as well.

I don't remember ever going hungry or being frightened that my mother would intentionally hurt me. But, my father on the other hand, Although he provided for us, we had a home, a car, food to eat, clothes to wear, shoes on our feet, I never felt safe around him. I don't remember ever seeing him drink alcohol. He wasn't a drunk, he was a pedophile and a sex addict. Occasionally I heard him and my mother arguing and fighting in the middle of the night. The next morning I would see bruises on her face. But the worst thing that I remember was the sexual abuse I suffered. My mother didn't protect me. She never protected me. The unfortunate thing is that this is a pretty common story that the male adult in the house is sexually abusing the girls and then the mother doesn't do anything to protect them.

"mommy, open your eyes! Protect me from daddy"

I was always scared of him.

I don't remember when the sexual abuse began but I know I was really little, before kindergarten. Pretty much any chance he got, he forced himself on me. None of my three brothers or my mother realized that when they were in the living room watching TV he was in the next room abusing me, threatening me, telling me if I make a peep or say anything, he would beat me. kill me, hurt me. I was a little girl, only a few years old.

Mostly he would come in the middle of the night while the entire house was sleeping. I would wake up to him peeling off articles of my clothing. Sometimes, coming home from school was terrifying because he was the only person there. For him, that was a free-for-all. When he came home from work, always a feeling of fear would rush over me.

When I was a little girl I was always afraid. Always.

girl lying alone in the darkness — Scared, Frightened, Alone

He often forced me to shower with him and he took me out on dates so he could pretend I was his girlfriend.

When I was nine years old, my father tried to murder me by throwing a rock at my head, crushing my skull. Today I still have a porcelain plate in my head to protect the hole that was created. by the damage from the rock. Most of my family says it was an accident but other family members who witnessed the incident, in confidence, are still haunted by it. There's no way that was an accident.

Several times I told my mother what was happening, how my father was touching me "down there". Every time I told my mother, my parents would get into a fight. He would leave for several months and then talk his way back in. For a few months after my father returned everything was good. I would actually think he had changed and began to trust him. However, right about that time he would start abusing me again.

I was 13 when he took my virginity. A few months later I finally realized that my mother was not going to protect me. I decided that I needed to find help some other way. One thing led to another and my father was arrested for "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" and put in jail for 3 nights (this was 1976 and it was not illegal at this time to rape your children) while I was removed from my home. After a week I was back home and my father had moved out, yet again.

After that, my mother, my brothers and I moved much further from my father. Finally, my parents officially divorced. My father remarried only a few months later. I thought it was going to be all over but now, my mother was regularly putting me on a plane to spend weekends with my dad and his new wife. Again, I was being abused each and every time I went. I was 15 when I finally got the courage to stand up to him and my mother. I told them both that I was never going to be sent to his home ever again. Finally, it was over.

Hand held out with a stop symbol — Stop! No more!

Many years later, that very same mother took me to court with her new husband and took my daughter away from me. She was 13 years old. Then, later, they took me back to court and ordered me to lose all my rights to her. This was all because I wanted to continue to homeschool her as I had done successfully with her older 2 daughters. My mother who failed miserably with raising me was able to legally kidnap my daughter through the family courts. Again, my mother did not protect me from her husband.

My children are all adults now and I am a grandmother. The relationships with my 3 daughters has been rocky since the divorce due to the intense narcissistic attack from my ex and the parental alienation that went on for more than 10 years. My girls are getting old enough now to begin to see the bigger picture and open up to me again. Although my purpose here is to be as genuine as possible it is a fine line to not upset my children when my truths do not align with theirs or I might be violating their privacy.

It is not my intention to list off all the violations I have suffered against me but rather focus on the healing process. However, I wanted to make sure my readers, clients, and followers are aware of what I have survived and am currently working through as well as some basic background to the Tarot Journal entries. As you read through my growing list of journal entries the details of my experience and my healing process will support you in your own healing process.