Humans have an innate drive to engage in fight-or-flight behaviors when faced with a threat. For example, a surge of adrenaline occurs when one encounters a stressor as their body prepares them to flee. These same responses happen when experiencing abuse or trauma.
Psychotherapist Pete Walker identified four responses to traumatic experiences–flight, fight, freeze, and fawn in his acclaimed book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often unconsciously deploy defense mechanisms known as the 4F responses—Freeze, Flight, Fight, and Fawn. These instinctual reactions to perceived threat or danger are adapted here to the context of enduring psychological and emotional abuse. Identifying which response you're exhibiting is essential in understanding the abuse's effects and commencing recovery.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse embodies a complex form of emotional and psychological torment primarily inflicted by those exhibiting narcissistic traits or those diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It manifests through various manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, belittling, emotional manipulation, and control, profoundly affecting the victim's mental health and well-being. Recognizing this form of abuse is pivotal in initiating the healing process and seeking appropriate support.
Understanding the 4Fs: Freeze, Flight, Fight, Fawn
Given the depth and sensitivity of the topic, we'll address each of the 4F responses—Freeze, Flight, Fight, and Fawn—individually, providing valuable insights into why these reactions occur, what they entail, and the nuanced ways in which they manifest. This comprehensive exploration aims to offer understanding and validation to those experiencing narcissistic abuse, acknowledging that while one may have a predominant response, it's common to experience all four to varying degrees.
1) Freeze Response
Understanding the Freeze Response
The Freeze response is a survival strategy that occurs when you perceive a threat as so overwhelming that neither fight nor flight seems viable. In the context of narcissistic abuse, where the abuser wields control through emotional manipulation, victims might find themselves feeling trapped, leading to a state of psychological paralysis. This response is rooted in the oldest parts of our brain—the reptilian brain—where the primary focus is on survival.
Why It Happens
During moments of acute stress or danger, the brain assesses the situation almost instantaneously. If it deems escape or confrontation impossible or too risky, it may opt for 'freezing' as a way to protect the self. In an abusive relationship, the continuous undermining of the victim’s autonomy and the unpredictability of the abuser's behavior can render the victim feeling powerless, making the Freeze response more prevalent.
Manifestations
Symptoms of the Freeze response include
dissociation, where one might feel detached from their body or reality, akin to watching themselves from the outside. This can be a coping mechanism to shield the psyche from emotional pain.
an inability to speak or act during confrontations
overwhelming feelings of helplessness
a tendency to isolate oneself
somatic symptoms, such as lethargy or fatigue, reflecting the body's temporary 'shutdown' mode.
Navigating the Freeze Response
Understanding that the Freeze response is a natural, biological reaction to perceived inescapable danger is the first step towards self-compassion. Techniques such as grounding exercises can help re-establish a connection with the present moment, reducing dissociation. Gradually, through therapeutic support, one can begin to explore the underlying fears and beliefs fueling the response, working towards reclaiming a sense of agency and safety.
2) Flight Response
Understanding the Flight Response
The Flight response is activated when you attempt to escape from a threatening situation. In the realm of narcissistic abuse, where psychological harm is persistent, the instinct to flee can manifest not just as a physical desire to leave but also as an emotional or psychological escape.
Why It Happens
This response is driven by the adrenaline-fueled belief that safety lies in distance from the threat. Victims may subconsciously equate leaving the situation—either by physically removing themselves or mentally checking out—with relief from the abuse. It's a testament to the human desire for freedom and self-preservation.
Manifestations
Symptoms include
anxiety
restlessness
an overwhelming urge to run away
throw themselves into work, hobbies, or social engagements as a means to avoid confronting the reality of their abuse.
On a psychological level, this can lead to avoidance behaviors, such as substance abuse or compulsively engaging in activities as distractions.
Navigating the Flight Response
Acknowledging the Flight response as a valid survival strategy is crucial. However, finding healthy ways to process the urge to flee involves addressing the underlying anxiety and trauma. Therapeutic approaches like CBT can help individuals develop coping strategies that allow them to face their feelings rather than escaping them. Establishing a safety plan, should the need to physically leave arise, is also essential.
3) Fight Response
Understanding the Fight Response
The Fight response emerges as aggression or confrontation in the face of narcissistic abuse. It's a direct counter to feeling victimized, where you attempt to regain control and power through assertiveness or confrontation.
Why It Happens
Rooted in the body's natural reaction to fight off danger, this response can be seen as an attempt to assert boundaries that have been violated by the abuser. It reflects a deep-seated need to protect oneself from further harm and a refusal to be subdued by the abuser's tactics.
Manifestations
Signs of the Fight response include
anger
irritability
propensity towards confrontational behavior.
While these can serve as protective mechanisms, they may also lead to escalated conflicts with the abuser, potentially putting the victim at greater risk. It's a delicate balance between standing up for oneself and navigating the dynamics of an abusive relationship.
Navigating the Fight Response
Recognizing the Fight response as a sign of resilience and a desire for self-respect is important. Channeling this energy into constructive actions that affirm one's worth and boundaries is key. Therapy, particularly approaches focusing on assertiveness training and emotional regulation, can be invaluable. Learning to pick battles wisely and establishing non-negotiable boundaries are critical steps in this process.
4) Fawn Response
Understanding the Fawn Response
The Fawn response is characterized by people-pleasing and appeasement. It is a less commonly recognized but equally significant reaction to narcissistic abuse. It arises from the belief that safety and validation can be secured through aligning with the abuser's desires and expectations.
Why It Happens
This response is often developed in early childhood as a strategy to cope with unpredictable or demanding caregivers. It signifies an adaptation to ensure survival by minimizing conflict in adult relationships. It manifests as a learned behavior to avoid confrontation with a narcissistic abuser, often at the expense of one's needs and identity.
Manifestations
Symptoms include:
a tendency to prioritize the abuser's needs over one's own
difficulty saying no
a loss of self-identity.
While it might temporarily shield the victim from direct conflict, it can lead to chronic self-neglect and erosion of self-worth.
Navigating the Fawn Response
Addressing the Fawn response involves cultivating self-awareness and slowly rebuilding a sense of self that is independent of the abuser's approval. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the origins of these patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Learning to set boundaries and practicing self-assertiveness are crucial steps toward healing.
For each of these responses, recognizing them as natural, protective strategies rather than signs of weakness or failure is vital.
Through compassionate self-exploration and professional support, victims of narcissistic abuse can begin to heal and reclaim their autonomy and well-being.
General Advice on Coping with the 4F Responses
Recognizing your predominant 4F response is a significant step toward healing. A unified approach to managing these responses includes seeking therapy, particularly with professionals experienced in dealing with trauma and narcissistic abuse.
Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly beneficial.
In addition to professional help, cultivating a supportive network of friends, family, or support groups who understand what you’re going through can provide the emotional backing needed during recovery.
Mindfulness and grounding techniques can also help manage anxiety and dissociative symptoms associated with these responses.
Building self-awareness about your triggers and responses, coupled with learning and setting healthy boundaries, are crucial steps in reclaiming your sense of self and personal power. Engaging in self-care practices and activities that foster a positive sense of identity and self-worth is equally important.
Choosing Tarot Wyzdom with Love
as a coach for navigating the journey of healing from Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn responses and narcissistic abuse syndrome is a decision rooted in the unique blend of intuitive guidance and compassionate support she offers.
Her approach goes beyond traditional therapy, integrating tarot and spiritual wisdom to provide deeper insights into one's subconscious patterns and traumas.
Love's holistic method promises not just to address the symptoms but to unearth and heal the underlying causes of these survival responses.
Her expertise in dealing with the complex dynamics of narcissistic abuse, coupled with a nurturing, empathetic coaching style, creates a safe and transformative space for recovery.
You will be drawn to Love's ability to tailor guidance to your spiritual and emotional journey, offering personalized strategies that empower and support profound, lasting healing. Her commitment to helping others reclaim their power and peace makes her an invaluable ally in the healing process.
Book Your Appointment with Love now.
Further Steps
Understanding your response to narcissistic abuse—be it Freeze, Flight, Fight, or Fawn—is vital in acknowledging its impact and taking steps toward recovery. While the journey to healing is personal and can be challenging, knowing that there are effective strategies and support available can provide comfort. Remember, reaching out for professional help is a sign of strength and the first step towards reclaiming your life and well-being.
Below is a list of resources for you to follow up on and learn more. Please click on and buy books as these are Amazon Affiliate links.
Books:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker - This book explores the impact of narcissistic abuse and provides strategies for healing and reclaiming your sense of self.
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Arabi - delves into the psychological dynamics of narcissistic abuse and offers guidance on recovering from the trauma.
Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas - provides a comprehensive guide to recognizing and healing from psychological abuse, including the loss of self-identity.
The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free by Julie L. Hall - This book helps readers identify narcissistic abuse patterns and provides insights into reclaiming one's identity and well-being.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride - This book focuses on the unique challenges faced by daughters of narcissistic mothers and offers guidance on healing and rebuilding self-identity.
The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza - explores covert narcissism and its effects on victims and provides strategies for recognizing and recovering from this form of abuse.
You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother: Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Danu Morrigan - sheds light on the experiences of daughters of narcissistic mothers and offers insights into healing and regaining self-identity.
The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: How to Recognize Manipulation, Overcome Narcissistic Abuse, Let Go, and Heal from Toxic Relationships (Mindful Relationships, Book 1) Audible Audiobook – Unabridged by Amy White - addresses the issue of gaslighting and toxic relationships that hinders your freedom and keeps you from maximizing the full potential that is in you, without being subject to any form of manipulation.
Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie - explores the dynamics of abusive relationships with narcissists and provides guidance on healing and rediscovering one's self-worth.
Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone by Shahida Arabi - Shahida Arabi's collection of essays delves into the experiences of adult children of narcissists and offers insights into healing and self-empowerment.
YouTube Channels:
Surviving Narcissism - This channel offers valuable insights into narcissistic abuse, its impact on self-identity, and strategies for recovery.
Doctor Ramani - Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, provides educational videos on narcissism, trauma, and recovery.
Michele Lee Nieves Coaching - Michele Lee Nieves shares her personal experiences with narcissistic abuse and offers guidance on healing and self-discovery.
Inner Integration - Meredith Miller's channel explores complex trauma, narcissistic abuse recovery, and rebuilding one's self-identity.
Websites:
Psychology Today - Narcissism and Abuse - Psychology Today has a dedicated section that covers articles, expert advice, and resources on narcissism and its effects on victims.
Out of the Fog - comprehensive resource for those dealing with personality disorders, including narcissism. It offers information and support for recovery.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Online - provides articles, forums, and resources to help survivors of narcissistic abuse regain their self-identity and heal.
Narcissism Survivor offers insights, survivor stories, and resources for those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
innersanctuaryonline.org - Heal the Harm. The Healing Hub for People in Toxic Relationships. Recognize, End and Heal Narcissistic Domestic Abuse
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
800-799-7233
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